How to Choose A Godparent - Your Child's Godmother

When I took off for LA to seek my fortune, telling my parents to kiss the back of the $300 jeans that they'd bought me, my Aunt Ena saw to it that the floor I was sleeping on was padded with a comfy mattress and silk sheets. And my Uncle Patrick was no slouch either. When I was that annoying brat in the first row of 2nd grade raising my hand before the questions were asked Uncle P kept me stocked in Highlights magazines so that I could be the chick lit writer I am today! Alas, my friends, this is too much to live up to. I am selfishly enjoying life too much to commit to helping you raise your children. Lest you doubt me in this area, I offer you this:

TOP 5 REASONS YOU SHOULD CHOOSE SOMEONE ELSE AS YOUR BABY'S GODMAMA

5) The Blooming Plants. I adore plants and greenery of any kind. I have been known to annoyingly remark during rainstorms, "well the trees need water too." When my EFH (Ex From Hell) aka SGF (Still Good Friend) and I decided to part ways (meaning he cheated on me with every cheap trick available) I was forced to leave my lovely houseplants. They all had special meaning to me and were gifts from people I cared for. Fine, I thought as I packed to move to an apartment with no window ledges, you keep the bloody plants. In my mind, the plants would miss my tender affection and all quickly drop dead, forcing EFH to realize that I was the glue that held the very threads of life together. Instead, when I returned a year later to collect the bulk of my things, I found a virtual greenhouse! The plants were flourishing like they never had when I watered them with PUR, fed them and even spoke to them. The plants were glad that I was gone. Imagine how your kids would feel if I was left in their care.

4) K & R. My current godchildren. Wonderful as they are I am embarrassed to say that I rarely see them. One mother tried to ply me to visit with guilt by saying that poor little R asked how come she only sees Auntie Abiola inside the TV. How did I deal with this? Did I pack up a bushel of toys and books and head over? No, I apologized and felt guilty for 5 whole minutes before reiterating Goddess Maxim Number 3 - Guilt is a Wasted Emotion. Then I met my inner circle girls for Tuesdays at Tilman's- a delightful feast of networking and debauchery in Manhattan.

Whatareyougonnado? Let your child fall to this same fate? Not recommended.

3) Better Alternatives. If something were to happen to you, might I suggest a nunnery or that uncle you mentioned who lives in your basement?

2) The Pets. When I was a kid, I never took to the baby dolls. Instead I turned my toy refrigerator on the side to make a file cabinet and turned the toy stove into a pretend desk to write on. When I was bored with that, my refrigerator was Barbie's second townhouse. True story! The Abrams family did have pets from time to time. The two I remember the most are the dogs Rocky and Flirt. I can honestly swear on a stack of Bibles that I never ever had physical contact with either of these animals. I am embarrassed to add that 2 years ago when my sister was shocked by and opposed to me getting a cat, Flirt's name came up and I asked how was he. Flirt is a girl, my sister explained. Oh, I said. When I did get a cat my sister and cousin came over and threatened to rescue her if she showed any signs of neglect! Again, true story.

1) My Beloved Kitty Anabelle. My daughter Anabelle is the only child that I can contend with at the moment. She is loved, well fed, happily spoiled and cared for. (When I sit writing for 14 hours and forget to feed her, she reminds me ASAP.) I am leaving soon for Guyana Fashion week and luckily I have friends that remind me to find a sitter for her. Those friends unfortunately are also the same inner circle single childless friends who give me horrible cat mothering advice like put olive oil on Anabelle's back to make her clean herself better. (Don't ask. I'll share this one day.) Your kids don't need this. And besides, Anabelle doesn't really like children.

Think carefully about who you choose as a godmother. I may appear on the surface to be a great surrogate mom catch. However, if you take the time to look deeper I think you'll agree that there are others who are much more deserving of this honor. If some disaster were to befall you, I could be entrusted with your wardrobe, however.

Velvet cupcakes & tiara kisses,