Do you know the weekly
national urban newspaper Rolling Out Urbanstyle? It comes out on Thursday or Friday depending on where in the country you live. Here's this
week's column:
Dear Abiola,
I know I'm not your demographic but I'm interested in a lady who like myself is a
performer in her 50s. I invited her to my show. She attended, then invited me to a dance that night but I had to work. We
made plans for another show. It rained 'cats and dogs' but I still went. She left a message stating that the weather
was too bad. We agreed to attend an event at the library. Due to a misprint we missed each other. She was leaving town for
3 weeks so I asked her to call me upon her return. It's been 4 weeks and nothing. Is she interested? And if so how do
I continue pursuing her?
Baffled J
Dear Baffled J,Relax.
Women are goddesses and we deserve to be pursed. The fine art of courtship is unfortunately
lost on my generation. In my parents’ country Guyana and many African countries, courtship is a dance that isn’t
final until you’re married. We have a party called Que Qe where the man is continually rejected until he proves the
strength of his desire and dedication.
However, you’re in your 50s so I assume you’ve given it your best efforts. Please give it one more try.
She did show up to the library event and your show. Do something big! Maybe you’ll laugh about this one day BUT if
she stands you up again take the hint.
I had the dubious
distinction of helping my friend K. get rid of a guy she wasn’t feeling. He kept calling. Finally I answered her phone,
pretended to be her assistant, and told him that her real friends now had a private number.
Guys in your 20s and 30s take note: Baffled realizes
how to pursue a woman. He’s a true man willing to take risks. Whether it works out with this woman or not he will eventually
find a partner worthy of his gentlemanly ways. A king needs a queen that respects him as well. I interviewed Ashanti this morning and she refused to discuss her personal business with me. There’s something
sweet about some ways that may seem old fashioned. Keep up the good fight, King Baffled!
xoxo,
Abiola
YOU THINK YOU'RE FAT?
Do you know the weekly national urban newspaper Rolling Out Urbanstyle? It comes out
on Thursday or Friday depending on where in the country you live. Here's this week's column:
Greetings Gorgeous Ones,
This week was a delicious scandal. I interviewed bestselling
writer Mary B. Morrison and we laughed our Jimmy Choos off, discussing women, self-love, gratification and our bodies.
This theme followed me last night into a fabulous
sidewalk café. A woman approached the table asking if she could speak with me. Most fans just wave but something in
her manner concerned me so to the annoyance of my date I said yes. What can I say? He should have stepped up his conversation
game. I was bored and glad for the distraction. Jessica sat down. She was 24, beautiful and hated her body. She said that
men didn't like her because she was fat. She needed advice.
We see 4,000 ads a day telling us what’s wrong with us and how to fix it. Hip Hop for Health’s
Shades of Beauty has wonderful seminars about our body image issues. Everyone’s on a diet but Americans are fatter than
ever because the issue is mental. Recently I screamed “Hey Skinny!” at my girlfriend Tina. She was in tears.
I didn’t know that Tina had always been teased for being too slim in a family that prized bootyliciousness. You can
shout “Hey Skinny” at me any day. Similarly, Tina called me "thick thighs.” My thighs are my point
of dreadful fixation but to her this was a compliment.
Last season at the premiere of BET J’s Best Shorts my image came up on the screen and
I looked beyond zaftig. Another friend said, you’ve lost so much weight since then. That was yesterday, I explained.
The camera and unflattering gold dresses add poundage but she believed the image of me on the screen instead of me right beside
her.
The magical pill is radical
self-acceptance, Jessica. Men aren’t turned off by your fat. They’re turned off by your insecurity and desperation.
They’re thinking; if you don't like you then why should I?
If you must lose weight, start with one bite less at each meal and dance for an hour
every morning. Dress for your body type and love yourself. Bravissima, bella. Now pass the dark chocolate!
xoxo,
Abiola
YOUR BOYFRIEND IS A JERK!
Do you know the weekly national urban newspaper Rolling Out Urbanstyle? It comes out on Thursday or Friday depending on where in the country you live. Here's
this week's column:
Dear Abiola,
I am at my wits end. I am a 26 year old woman with no
kids and I have just realized that I have given a complete loser the past 3 years of my life. My 30 year old boyfriend during
our relationship belittled me in front of other people, nitpicked at every little thing that I do, laughs at me and calls
me a fatty. I am 5’6” and weigh 130 pounds.
The last straw was on Valentine’s Day. We went
out to dinner and he kept on telling me that I was eating too much. When we got to the parking lot, he jumped into the car
and locked the doors. I thought that he was playing until he said that he was going to drive slow for the next 5 blocks and
I should walk alongside the car to lose some weight. I had no choice and started crying and walking. He finally let me in
2 blocks later, but at that point I was through. I moved out but now my heart is completely broken.
I don’t
know what to do. Should I give him another chance? He says that he’s sorry and I know that he had a rough childhood.
He calls, emails and texts me all day.
Wits End in Wichita
Dear Wits End,
Girrrrrl,
if you go back to him I will have to call you Half Wit instead of Wits End. My first instinct is to shake you and ask what
took you so long to leave this joker. He is not a man at all. Whether you realize it or not, you have spent the last 3 years
in an abusive relationship. You are an abused woman and so yes, you want to go back to him because this is what you know
right now. I know that you feel alone, but millions of people go through this every day. It is part of being human. You
are not alone. I promise you that.
Love does not hurt. Love is beautiful and thoughtful, trusting and meaningful,
but it does not hurt. Trust me, your heart will heal, but it will take time. Meanwhile, what is going on now is all about
you, not him. Let’s take him out of the equation. Change your numbers and email if you have to. I want you to do
some work on yourself to figure out why you were with this jerk in the first place. If you don’t investigate this,
I promise, a few months from now you will be back with someone else who is exactly like him.
xo,
a.
OUR BREAK-UPS REMINDER
Do you know the weekly national urban newspaper Rolling Out Urbanstyle? It comes out
on Thursday or Friday depending on where in the country you live.Here's
this week's column!
Hey Gorgeous Ones,
Well 80% of your letters are
seeking breakup advice. Your girl Abiola is no stranger to breakups. My entire novel Dare is about rebounding. I’m
monogamous by nature although I love a fly date. I had my one major breakup a couple of years ago and in hindsight, good riddance.
I also had a mini breakup a few months ago from a situation I would’ve advised you to run from: baby mama/fiancé,
scandal—a mess! But, ces’t la vie. This is my Public Service Announcement: Top 10 Ways to Move On and Love Like
You’ve Never Been Hurt. (Although I say “he” you can apply to men or women.)
1. Listen to good breakup music. Singer Cheri Dennis told me that her drama became her album In
and Out of Love.
2. Program your phone not to ring if he calls.
3.
Don't speak to him again ever. Or for 12 weeks. Whichever comes first!
4. Have fun. Living well is the best revenge. Sing, dance, pray or go to the movies.
5. Be social. See who else is out there. Word.
6. Give away anything that reminds
you of el jerko. I gave my ex’s “Army” watch to the homeless.
7. Send the loser good
energy. You’re the bigger person, right?
8. Don’t
text, email or leave voice mails cussing him out. Write only letters that you never send and vent to friends. Healing
is about you not him.
9. Make better choices next time.
When we know better we do better.
10. From Dare: a) Create a voodoo doll of him.
b) Stick it with exactly 47 pins. c) Bash him in the face with it. Haha! Don’t do that, but it is funny. See, you’re
smiling again.
xoxo,
Abiola
UGH, AWFUL BOSS
Do you know the weekly national urban newspaper Rolling Out Urbanstyle? It comes out on Thursday or Friday depending on where in the country you live. Here's this weeks column:
Dear Abiola,
I
work in property management and my boss is super critical about every little thing. You never know what mood he’s going
to be in. One minute he’s praising you and the next minute he’s screaming. His criticism keeps me from suggesting
helpful new ideas and being my best. I spend most days scared on pins and needles.
Signed,
Would-Be-Creative-But-Scared-To-Be
Dear Would-Be,
Recently I had a conversation with Sean Combs’ group Danity
Kane about criticism and other’s people’s opinions. Some people are still judging them but I found them to be
extremely beautiful on the inside as well as talented. These women each have brilliant personal activism agendas. Surprised?
My point is that what other people think of you is
none of your business. Investing in other people’s criticism freezes you. I have to deal with critics of my writing,
films, weight, hair and everything else. Recently someone posted a mean comment about me online. He called me “phony,”
“acting white” and “Barbie.” I left his comment up to prove that the only opinion that matters besides
God’s is mine.
Have a strong belief in your
center. Don’t invest in other’s opinions even if they are positive. If you believe opinions when they’re
positive, you’ll have to believe them when they’re negative. Some love ice cream, some don’t. If everyone
loves you, you’re doing something wrong.
ALSO
you should NEVER be abused at work by an insecure, raging boss. Ever considered your own business?
xoxo,
Abiola
P.S. Please check out the geeky goddess loudmouth “Barbie”
on page of this month’s Upscale Magazine with Vivica Fox on the cover. Yay!
THE CHEATING WIFE!
Do you know the weekly national urban newspaper Rolling Out Urbanstyle? It comes out on Thursday or Friday depending on where in the country you live.
Dear Abiola,
My wife of 5 years has been cheating on me. Her behavior was suspicious while I was going out
of my way to be the best father and husband. One day I gave in and checked her voice mail. I heard messages from her lover
about sex. I forgave her for the sake of our 3 year old son but I still see this joker’s number all over her phone bill.
I called the phone company for a text message transcript and they told me that it would have to be subpoenaed. I don’t
want to invade her privacy again but I don’t know what else to do.
Sleepless
in Staten Island
Darling Sleepless,
First of all, we don’t give it up enough to the good men
out there so I send you big love. Secondly, you’ve made a mistake that I’ve made countless times. You forgave
too soon but you forgave with your words but not with your heart- and rightfully so! You jumped back into a swerving car without
figuring out why it ran off the road in the first place. Heck yeah you should check her messages. If you step back into a
relationship with someone who has betrayed you they are on probation while you work toward letting them back into your heart.
Probation means rules and check-ins. Your wife is scandalous. I wouldn’t trust a word she says, boo-boo.
Subpoena the messages immediately! If the messages are platonic
then get counseling. If she’s back in the game with the dude, she may love you as the father of her child only. If this
is the case, exit stage right! You deserve to be loved. It’ll be a battle for you to relearn how to love like you have
never been hurt but you will get there.
xoxo,
Abiola
Abiola
Abrams is a BET personality, author, filmmaker and motivator. Email your questions from Abiola’s interactive site www.thegoddessfactory.com
or myspace.com/goddessfactory. You can buy her debut novel Dare wherever you buy books, and watch Planet Abiola
on blackplanet.com/planetabiola.
All
content copyright Abiola Abrams, 2011. Plagiarism is considered intellectual property theft and will be prosecuted to the
fullest extent of the law.
